The Red-Headed Pilgrim by Kevin Maloney

Author:Kevin Maloney
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Two Dollar Radio
Published: 2023-01-24T00:00:00+00:00

23

The Mesozoic Era

One morning I was getting ready for work when Wendy yelled at me from the kitchen, accusing me of spilling water all over the floor. I peeked my head around the corner and discovered Wendy frantically mopping up liquid that was shooting out of her body.

“You’re such a slob!” she said. “What are we going to do when we have a baby? Do I have to clean up after both of you?”

“Hey, Wendy—” I said.

“Are you even listening?” she sobbed. “I can’t keep doing this. You’re a grown man. I need you to clean up after yourself. If you’re feeling really ambitious, maybe run a load of dishes? I know—crazy, right?”

The water kept gushing from between her legs, forming pools around her slippers.

“Wendy—” I said.

“You know what? I don’t want this baby anymore. Is it too late for an abortion?”

“I think your water broke,” I said.

She snarled at me, then looked down at the floor.

“I think my water broke,” she said.

“It’s fine,” I said. “Everything’s going to be fine.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“I’ll call the midwife.”

“I hate you so much.”

I called Rain and told her that Wendy was in labor and to please come over so I could start breathing again.

“That’s wonderful!” said Rain. “But I should caution you, this is just the beginning. Try to relax. Go for a walk. Call me when things feel unbearable.”

Wendy put on a winter parka. We went outside and tried to walk around the neighborhood, but it was covered in 2 feet of fresh-fallen snow. Every few steps, Wendy grabbed my arm and made me promise that we’d never have sex ever again, no matter how horny we got.

“It isn’t worth it,” she said. “What if every time you masturbated, you had to push a guinea pig out of your dick?”

“It’s not the same thing,” I said.

“Oh, it isn’t?” said Wendy. “When did you become an expert on women’s reproductive health? Because last time you went down on me, I seem to remember you fumbling around down there like you dropped a jellybean under the couch. But no… please, by all means, tell me how giving birth isn’t the same thing as—whoopsie daisy!”

Wendy slipped on an ice patch and fell into a snowbank. I picked her up.

“This doesn’t feel right,” I said. “I don’t think Rain knows what she’s doing.”

“It’s fine,” said Wendy.

“It doesn’t feel fine.”

A guy on cross-country skis passed us, followed by two huskies towing a toboggan captained by a mail carrier wearing a fur-lined aviator hat.

Wendy took a few more steps, then got down on her hands and knees and said, “Oh boy, here we go! Baby’s coming!”

She unbuttoned her bib and started peeling it off.

“Stop!” I said. “You can’t have the baby on the sidewalk!”

“Too late,” she said, pulling down her underwear.

Cars slowed and rolled down their windows.

“Uggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!” moaned Wendy. “Is it a boy or girl?”

“It didn’t come out,” I said.

“Are you serious? I felt a baby come out.”

I looked around, but there wasn’t a baby in the snow.

Wendy put her bib back on, and we walked back to the apartment.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.